The reason for hurting someone
by Saguru
Summary: Saguru tries to find an answer to why he keeps hurting the feelings of the people surrounding him, especially of one person, who is very important and special to him...


_**Disclaimer:  
All of the persons in this story belong to Gosho Aoyama and I don't earn any money with this.**_

_If you like the story, please submit a review, even if it's only a short one.  
_

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**The reason for hurting someone**

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"Say... why are you hurting him so much?"

"I don't know."

"You're lying."

"Yes."

"So... Why are you hurting him?"

Saguru kept silent.

"Why are you so cold to him? Why do you say so nasty things to him?"

"He's no here..."

"Is that the reason?"

"Yes..."

"Because he isn't here you're hurting him?"

"Yes..."

"But it isn't his fault. And you know that, don't you?"

"I know."

"Then why?"

"I don't know..."

"You do know. But you don't want to admit it."

Again Saguru engulfed himself in silence.

"You know that he really likes you, don't you?"

"Yes."

"And that your harsh words are hurting him more than anything else."

"Yes."

"But yet, you keep doing it."

"Yes."

"Do you hate him?"

"No!"

It was the first time, Saguru showed some emotion. He glared at his opponent.

"I definitely don't hate him!"

"Then why?"

Saguru eyes were full of despair again.

"I don't know...", he whispered.

"Liar. You do know."

"No..."

"You want to keep him away."

"No..."

"You don't want him to get too close to you."

"No... I like him. I really do."

"Bu you don't want him to know your true self..."

"He already knows most of it."

"Most of it. But not everything."

"That's true."

"So that's the reason?"

"No."

"Sure?"

"Yes."

It was the first time a faint smile found his way on Saguru's lips.

"I'm sure."

"So why? Why are you hurting him? He's so far away and yet he always tries to stay close to you. Tries to overcome the distance... Why are you avoiding him?"

"I'm not avoiding him..."

"You are!"

"I'm not!"

"But you're cold as ice towards him."

"I'm not... At least not every time..."

"But you are. And the last weeks it has become even more often so."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Maybe you're right..."

"I am right. So tell me the reason. Why are you like this towards a person who is that important to you?"

"Don't know."

"Liar."

"Maybe."

"For sure."

"If you say so..."

"You don't want him to get closer to your heart anymore, don't you?"

"I don't care what he does or doesn't. He's old enough to take care of himself."

"He gets injured all the time."

"No serious wounds. He's good at dodging and will keep on surviving."

"You're sure?"

"Yes... I hope so at least. He's a lion."

"Then why are you stabbing him with daggers that he can't possibly avoid?"

"Don't know what you're talking about..."

"Your words. They rip directly into his heart and soul.. Your words make him crying and becoming desperate and full of despair!"

"I know..."

Saguru's face was a mask of pain.

"I know!", he yelled, "I know..."

His voice broke and he sank down on his knees.

"I absolutely know..."

"Then why..?"

His opponent asked calmly but yet mercilessly.

"Why are you hurting him so much that he cries in despair and pain?"

"I... don't want him... to cry..."

"But your actions and words are causing him to cry."

"I know..."

So, why?"

"The distance... It will be there. Always. It won't disappear."

"Distance? In your heart?"

No. Although this one has to remain. Or we will both end up being broken."

"This way, you will end up the same way. Both of you."

"No! I won't allow it! I won't.."

"But it's the truth."

"No..."

"You're lonely without him, aren't you?"

"I'm fine."

"No you aren't."

Another silence followed.

Then, with an almost inaudible whispering Saguru resigned.

"You're right. I am lonely. I'm so lonely I almost can't bear it..."

"Don't you think he is the same?"

"I don't know... Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"He has friends. Family."

"But you aren't there."

"But I am not that important to him."

"You sure?"

"Yes... No.. But I guess so."

"You didn't ask?"

"I didn't."

"Why?"

"I couldn't."

"Why?"

"I don't..."

"You were afraid of the answer, weren't you?"

"No."

Saguru clenched his fists.

"Yes. I was afraid. I _am_ afraid."

"Why?"

"I won't tell you."

"Because I already know the answer?"

"Maybe."

"But then, why are you hurting him?"

"The distance."

"The distance?"

"I told you. It won't disappear."

"Why?"

"Because the world doesn't change."

"Sometimes it does."

"It won't pull Great Britain closer to Japan.."

"You may visit him anytime."

"Anytime I have time and money. Almost never."

"But it isn't impossible."

"That's true."

"So, why?"

"The distance."

"It's hurting?"

"It is."

"And it becomes more deeply every time."

"Yes."

"The distance is killing you."

"Yes."

"It will kill him as well."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"I won't allow it."

"But he's already close to you."

"He is."

"He knows that you're suffering."

"He does."

"He wants to help you."

"He can't."

"He could cure your loneliness."

"Only temporary."

"Maybe. But maybe forever."

"Even if so... he can't cure anything else."

"But he wants to try. You're important to him. He wants to help."

"I know. But he can't."

"It's hurting him."

"I know."

"Then why are hurting him even more?"

"I don't know."

"You do."

"No. I don't. And I don't want it."

"But you keep doing it."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Why are you keeping him away from your heart."

"He isn't allowed to enter."

"Why?"

"It will hurt too much if he leaves."

"He won't leave."

"He will have to. He lives in Japan."

"Maybe he will come with you."

"I don't want it. I don't want him to make such an offering for me. I don't want him to leave everything behind just for me!"

"Then you go to Japan."

"I can't either. I have t stay here. Have to accomplish my studies. Have to accomplish my work with Scotland Yard. I'm not allowed to leave."

"Then why don't you cherish the little contact you have?"

"It hurts."

"Hurts?"

"Hurts. Too much."

The sound of a breath would have been noisy compared to Saguru's words.

"Too much..."

"Then you're keeping him away to protect yourself?"

"Yes..."

"But that isn't the sole purpose, isn't the only reason... is it?"

Once again Saguru didn't respond.

"Is it to protect him? To keep him from experiencing the same pain you do? "

Saguru remained silent.

"You don't know what to do, right? Your soul is broken and your heart is longing for someone you can't reach..."

"No..."

"You like being with him. You want to be with him as often as possible."

"No..."

"Forever..."

"No!"

"You treasure him more than anything else..."

"Be quiet!"

"You're hurting him to save him from feeling the same as you do..."

"Shut up!"

"You know it's true.."

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Saguru's fist shot up and smashed the silvery surface of the man-high mirror in front of him into pieces.

"Shut up... Shut up... Shut up...", he murmured frantically as he crashed the pieces on the floor into even smaller ones, ignoring the blood dripping from various cuts in his bare hands.

"Shut up..."

"You know I'm right..."

The voice seemed to echo from every little shiny piece of the remains of the mirror.

"Shut up..."

Tears were running down his cheeks.

"Please..."

"You know the answer..."

The voice slowly faded.

"You know why you're doing it."

"I... don't... know..."

"You do."

After this, silence entered the scenery, putting a cover over everything and everyone.

It remained for days, weeks, months. Or maybe only for a few seconds.

It didn't matter to the blonde guy with bloodstained hands and a body full of pain.

At last a deep groan escaped Saguru's lips.

"Yes... I do..."

His hands were leaving a red trail on the skin of his face, as he pressed his hands on his eyes.

"I do... I do..."

He whimpered.

"But I can't... I just can't bear it anymore!"

He lowered his hands and glared into nothingness.

He couldn't bear it.

He needed him. He needed him so much.

He couldn't bear it anymore. The distance... He couldn't bear it.

It hurt.

It hurt so much.

He wanted to be with him.

He wanted to hold him.

He wanted to feel his warmth.

His kindness.

His kisses.

But then again...

The distance.

The parting.

The distance.

The pain.

"I love him. I've fallen in love with him. But it hurts. It hurts so much. I can't bear it. I can't!"

Again tears were dropping, mingled with a shade of red as they washed away some of the blood on his cheeks.

"I don't want him to fall in love with me as well. I don't want him to feel this pain. I don't even know if he would even ever reciprocate my feelings. I don't know what exactly I am for him. But I love him. And I don't want him to feel this pain."

He clenched his fists, then forced himself to release its grip once again.

"Even if I have to hurt him to prevent him from even deeper pain. I will do it. I don't want him to get killed by this pain. . I don't want to loose him."

He sighed, a hopeless sound in the silence.

"I don't want to loose him. I don't want to be alone. I want him to be my friend. I want him to be by my side. Close to me. But not _that_ close."

Once again he clenched his fists and released them again.

"I will hurt him to prevent him. Prevent him from himself. Prevent him from me."

Saguru knew, he was going to break down. He knew he wouldn't be able to bear it much longer.

He was going to break down.

Sooner or later.

Not only because of this.

There were many things ripping parts from his heart and soul, cutting through it and destroying it little by little.

He knew, he was going to break down.

Falling apart.

But he wouldn't take him with him.

He refused to take him with him.

And if the only way to safe him, was to hurt him... he would do it.

Again.

And again.

"Yes... I'll do it."

Saguru stood up, small drops of silver falling down from his hair and clothes, reaching the floor with soft jingling sounds.

"I did it. I do it. I will do it."

He smiled, but it was a sad and painful one.

"Because I love him."

Saguru lifted his hand, still smiling painfully, reaching for an image only he could see.

A vision of his heart, a vision of his beloved.

"_Yes... I'll do it. _

_Because I love you..."_

_-- _

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_I purposely didn't reveal the identity of Saguru's beloved.  
I think, everyone should draw his or her own conclusion about his identity._

_ Although, I __did leave some hints on who it is for me. _


End file.
